Wide Awake Read online

  "Yeah," I drawled and looked down at myself to the jeans and sweater she'd brought to the hospital. "I imagine this skeleton could use a few pounds, huh?" She pursed her lips. "I mean…I guess being in a coma and not eating as much, I probably look different than I did."

  She went into the closet and came back with a pair of jeans. She turned me to the full-length mirror next to my armoire and held the jeans up to my waist. They were too small. Too freaking small.

  "Are you seriously telling me I gained weight while in a coma and recovering?"

  "You were very conscious of your weight," she said in a manner that said she was speaking carefully. "You exercised daily, on top of your cheerleading schedule, and you put yourself on a very strict diet. It was another reason I was glad that your friends didn't come to the hospital to see you. They would have been…harsh on you. Your appearance was very important to you."

  "What exactly was my diet? Water and carrots?"

  She pursed her lips again. "Remember what I said about judging yourself."

  "How does one gain weight when they aren't eating anything? I was in a coma! I was literally eating nothing and I gained weight. Which can only mean that I had a serious problem before I went into that coma."

  "They put food into a tube for you, Emma. You had to be eating something to survive."

  "Yeah. What they put into my tube was more calories than I was eating here," I said. I had to make her see. The daughter they had, the girl that I used to be, didn't walk on water like they wanted me to believe.

  "Whatever, Emmie. It's done," she stated in exasperation. "We'll go shopping soon, when you feel up to it. In the meantime, you can order some clothes online if you like. You have credit cards in the purse I brought you. It's in your luggage."

  "Thanks," I muttered.

  "I'd really like it if you bought some clothes and anything else you want. This is your room, your life, and your credit cards that your father got you. It's yours, Emma," she pressed. "You don't have to feel guilty, or like you don't have the right or don't belong. You do. We'll all get used to things together. It may take a while, but we’re family. Thick or thin, hell or high water, fire or brimstone. Deal?"

  I found myself feeling soft toward her. She was trying so hard.

  "OK." I took a deep, deep breath. "OK. I'm sorry."

  She came and took my face in her hands. She smelled like expensive vanilla. "Honey, I love you any way that I can get you. I'm just trying to help you by showing you the person you used to be, all right? We're a very open family here. We always talked about everything." She chuckled. "You used to come home from cheerleading practice and complain to Felicia and me about boys and school and just everything. So you can come to me about anything. Anything at all."

  "I'd like that," I said. "Honestly, it's hard to imagine having a mom that you talk to about everything."

  She smiled wryly. "And sometimes, I wanted to strangle you, but you were always honest, I'll give you that. The time you came to me after you and Andrew had sex the first time, ugh…"

  My world fell to the floor. I wasn't a virgin? Now that I thought about everything they had told me about myself, and the way Andy was with me, it wasn't a surprise, but to know that I wasn't a virgin…and couldn't even remember it…

  She was oblivious to my turmoil as she kissed my forehead and said she'd let me get settled, she'd buzz me when it was time for dinner. I didn't know what that meant, but it didn't matter.

  Andrew not only stole my first kiss, but now he stole my virginity as well. OK, so maybe I was being a little harsh. I probably threw it at him from the way he talked, but not being able to remember something like that…

  I felt robbed.

  So I dove in, deciding to distract myself by exploring my room. I couldn't think of a better way to get to know myself anyway than to find out all the nooks and crannies of the girl who used to live here.

  I started with the closet. All the clothes were impossibly small. I probably gained two sizes since I'd worn anything in this closet. The extremely sad thing? I had been thinking before that I needed to gain a couple pounds to be healthier.

  I pulled one shirt after another out and stared at them. It looked like a toddler's closet. The shirts were so small and skimpy. And the shorts were the same. Jean shorts underwear. That was exactly what it looked like. My mother was fine with me leaving the house that way? And school? What did I wear to school?

  I found myself pulling everything out, item by item. Skirts that were so not skirts and everything else. I threw them into the empty hamper and stared at the empty closet. Not one thing…not one that I could or would wear. I finally searched high and low and found a pair of cheer sweatpants and a t-shirt. I folded the clothes I had removed, not sure of what to do with them. I placed them on the dresser neatly and tried to pretend that I wasn't a stranger there.

  I looked around the room. A little table was full of make-up and jewelry. Two prom tickets and pictures lined the mirror's edge. It took me a second to find myself in them. There were several cheer photos, some random, some posed. There were a couple of my sister and me, and a whole slew of Andy. The ones of us, we didn't look happy, we looked privileged. We didn't look like we were in love, we looked like we loved being on top of the world. I always positioned myself in front of him, and his arms were always wrapped around me from behind or around my shoulders. It wasn't intimate, which surprised me.

  I looked so aloof and uncaring, like this was all just part of the job or plan. I squinted and tried to make some sense of it. Then I heard a dinging sound. I looked around and followed the sound all the way to my suitcase. I opened my purse and fished my phone out. I had a text message. I smiled when I opened it.

  Mason.

  I know u probably don't miss me yet, but I miss u. I hope going home was good for you...but I have a feeling that it wasn't. Just remember that I'm here whenever u want to talk. - Yoda

  I laughed and found myself fighting against clutching the phone to my sad little chest. How was it that my own family could be so clueless about me, but Mason could send one text that said it all?

  I texted back.

  Stalker! How did you get this # ;) Thank whoever it was. And ur right. Coming home wasn't fun, but I'm…adjusting. & I do miss u. - The other me

  I sent it and heard another noise. It was a buzzing coming from the wall. I followed it to the speaker box and pressed the button that said TALK. "Hello?"

  It was Isabella. "Come down for supper, honey."

  What could I say? "OK."

  I had a freaking call box in my bedroom. It was going to take some serious getting used to. I put the phone aside and peeked my head out into the hall. Surely it wouldn't be too hard finding my way to the dining room, right?

  After about five minutes of searching, I finally found it. When I showed up, my parents were there at the head of the huge table, but it looked as though they were going out to a fancy restaurant. I followed their eyes down to my sweatpants and back up. "I didn't realize I needed to dress up for dinner."

  "You don't have to," Isabella reasoned, "we just always…have."

  "I'll remember that." I went to the chair she pointed to and sat down as quietly as I could. The place was not only immaculate, but it was irritatingly quiet. I felt like my breaths were the loudest thing in the room, and they had waited on me to get there to start eating.

  Even the gentle clanking of Isabella's spoon on her soup bowl wasn't as loud as my breathing. I felt beyond awkward. She ate in silence and my father was just as quiet before he began the inquisition: How did I like my room? How was I holding up? Did I do some online shopping yet?

  "All fine," I said, encompassing the whole shebang. "So, um, when do I start school?"

  "Don't you want to hold off for a bit?" he asked. "I thought maybe I could take some time off of work and we could maybe go on vacation."

  "Oh, yes!" Isabella cried in happiness. "Let's go to Fiji again!"

  Fiji?

 
"Uh…but I need to make sure that I keep caught up with school. I want to graduate, no matter what."

  "But you love Fiji…you may not remember, but you do."

  "I'm not doubting my love for Fiji. I'm sure it's just fine." I tried to rein in my irritated tone. They were treating me as though I were ungrateful because I wanted to go to school instead of vacation. Go figure. "I just got home. I just want to start to feel normal in my surroundings again before we go on vacation to get away from it all. Plus, I have therapy every week."

  Isabella's eyes settled on mine at that. She seemed to be searching for something. I tried not to supply what she was looking for. "That's fine," she eventually said. "I already called the school and said you would be making your way back at some point soon, so they know to expect you whenever."

  "Thank you."

  "Don't worry about it." She smiled. "So the sooner you go shopping for some clothes, the sooner you can go back to school."

  "Let's go tomorrow," I replied quickly.

  Rhett chuckled and exchanged a knowing look with Isabella. "There's our girl."

  Little did he know that shopping held nothing for me, but it was the only way I was going to get back to school and out of this house.

  Useless Fact Number Nine

  When possums are 'playing possum', they aren't actually playing.

  They literally pass out from sheer terror.

  The next day, we went shopping. Isabella disapproved of every outfit choice, so we settled on a happy medium. She'd go do her own shopping and I'd meet her at the food court in an hour. So that's what we did.

  We lugged the bags home, ate some dinner, and I had my session with Mason. She drove me there and even sat in the therapy room for our session, which she'd never done before, so I didn't really get to speak to Mason at all. But we got some more progress as I lifted and did twenty reps with a three pound barbell. It doesn't sound like a huge feat, but for me, it may as well have been the Grand Canyon of feats. Mason grinned with his back to Isabella and was so proud. It made me feel amazing. But though Isabella was happy for me, she couldn't quite grasp the importance of it.

  Mason told me to take a long, warm Epsom-salt bath, and that's what I did. I was still sore, but it was amazing how loose I felt afterwards.

  That night, I tried to sleep through the anticipation and anxiety of going to school the next day. It was a Friday, no less. So one day of school and then a weekend, so the next Monday was practically going to be just like the first day with that much time to dwell.

  The little glowing dragonflies on my ceiling were my only source of comfort. Not only did it remind me of the love my father had for me even when I didn't remember it, but it also reminded me of the hospital, which reminded me of Mason.

  As I was falling asleep, I got another text from him.

  Tomorrow's the big day, school girl. Go learn something. ;)

  I grinned.

  That is the plan. Thank you.

  Goodnight, Em.

  Night, Yoda.

  It was amazing how easy it was to fall asleep after that.

  "But you always wear your hair up, Emma. I'm just trying to help you."

  My exasperated mother didn't understand that I wasn't trying to pretend I was the same old me that I used to be. I wasn't trying to put on a show and play like I was fine or remembering or willing to be the old me so easily. Which was of course what she wanted.

  "I hate ponytails. I don't even know why I used to like them."

  "I just think it'll be easier for you to get along with your friends and all if you just be the girl that they remember."

  I shook my head and caved. "Fine."

  She smiled in triumph and set right out to rectify the hair. She gently brushed it out and set it up high. All I could think of was swinging my head and it flopping back and forth like Malibu Barbie.

  "See. Now when you turn your head, it swings out to the side. So cute like that."

  I rolled my eyes where she couldn't see me. "OK. I'm ready. Let's go, please."

  She nodded and kissed my father goodbye. He stood at the counter, watching me go like I was leaving for kindergarten with a furrowed brow. "It'll be fine," I assured him. "I have my cell. It's just school."

  "But are you sure you're ready to go back?"

  "I am. I'm ready to start living again."

  He nodded slowly and leaned in to kiss my forehead. "Have a good day, Emmie."

  "Thanks. You, too."

  Once we made it outside, I knew exactly what had happened when I saw Andy leaning against his Beamer in the driveway.

  "You called him?" I accused.

  "Someone had to take you to school."

  "I thought that someone was going to be you."

  "I thought you'd feel more comfortable with Andy taking you. He can guide you, get you back in with your old friends, and show you the ins and outs again. Plus…he is your boyfriend."

  I could have laughed. So, if she had to choose between Mason or Andy, she chose him, huh? I scoffed and made my way to him. "Hey, babe." He grinned. "You look…great. Different, but great."

  I was comfortable, that's what I was. I had decided to wear jeans and a couple of layered tank tops, but my hair was in this ridiculous ponytail, now wasn't it? "Ready to go?"

  "Hey," he protested and laughed. "No loving for the guy who's been waiting patiently for you to come back?"

  I sighed and let him engulf me in his arms. He smelled too good to be going to high school. He leaned back and took my lips before I could see what was happening. I pushed him slightly. "Andy."

  "Sorry. I've missed you, babykins. Can't blame a guy for that, right?"

  Actually, I could.

  He opened the driver side door and hopped in. He jerked his head, telling me to get in. I raised my eyebrow at that, but did what he asked. The ride to school was too short. I had no time to mentally prepare myself before he was pulling in and getting a perfect spot up front, as if it had been saved for him, though his name was nowhere to be seen on it.

  "You nervous?" he asked and took a small comb out, fixing his spike in the rearview mirror.

  "A little," I answered truthfully.

  "Don’t be." He tossed the comb into the backseat and turned to me with a smile as he slid his arm along the back of my seat. "We have almost every class together. And the crew knows that you're coming back today. They're expecting us. Besides," he leaned in and kissed my cheek, "the girl I knew was fearless and feisty. Don't let them get to you. If someone says anything, and I highly doubt they will, I'd bust their teeth in. OK?"

  "I'll be fine." I started to open my door, but he stopped me by grabbing my arm. "What?"

  "Just wait a second," he said easily. "I really missed you."

  "You keep saying that," I said wryly.

  "It's true. Kiss me, babe."

  He yanked me to him with a hand on the back of my neck. He almost touched my lips before I pushed his chest and cleared my throat. "Andy, please stop, OK? I'm still trying to figure some things out. I know my mom called you, but I'm just not sure…what I want right now, OK? Friends?"

  "As long as we’re together, it doesn’t matter. I can wait," he said sweetly. "Come on, beautiful."

  I got out and felt the burn of everyone's eyes on me all at once. It was actually welcomed when Andy glared at everyone and threw his arm over my shoulder. I'd have given anything to have Mason there with me instead, but I guess my mom was right. Andy knew the school and our friends and everything, and it was apparent that he had pull with the kids when he glared and they turned away quickly.

  He pushed the double doors to the school and this was it. Banners telling seniors to buy their prom tickets soon lined the walls. Signs saying that sign-ups for summer school were coming to a close and you better get to it if you didn't want to repeat the year again. Grey lockers lined the walls with people standing all around them, getting things out, chatting, and putting on make-up.

  I gulped when I saw Andy leading us to a
gaggle of girls and guys who all seemed to be the pretty people. They all stopped and stared. In fact, the entire hall stopped and stared. I hated to feel so weak, but I still found myself cringing into Andy's side. He tightened his grip on my shoulder and I felt him jerk as he yelled, "Got a problem?"

  People slowly turned back to their own groups and I actually felt pretty darn grateful to him, but then I was faced with the people who were supposed to be my friends. Three of the girls came forward while the other hung back. They practically tackled me, taking me from Andy, and all three hugged me at the same time. Over the shoulder of one of the girls, I saw Andy smirk before shaking his head at them and making his way to the group. He bumped fists with a couple of the guys and stood back, watching me.

  "Emmie!" one of the girls said. "We've missed you so much."

  "Yeah," another one said. "My goodness. Everyone's been talking nonstop about you coming back to school! You are so it again. It's so sickening." She smirked. "You don't even have to try!"

  They giggled, but I was so confused that I just stood there.

  "Emmie, you ok? You look pale. Or…maybe it's just your lack of make-up." She grimaced. "Did you not have time to get ready this morning?" She eyed me up and down. Her grimace grew.

  "I, uh... Who are you?"

  She scoffed. "Really?"

  The redhead came to my rescue. "We knew she had amnesia. Don't get your Victoria Secrets in a twist, Cookie."

  Cookie? The redhead looked back at me with sympathy. "I'm Kali." I remember her name from my mother earlier. "And this is Cookie and Tonya."

  I licked my lips. "Hi."

  Cookie shook her head. "It's just too weird."

  "Cookie," Kali hissed.

  "It is! She's so…docile!"

  "I'm sorry," I said. "I'm still adjusting. I really just want to get through the rest of the year and graduate."

  "Andy told us you were doing your schoolwork in the hospital." She scoffed. "You had a perfectly good excuse to get out of schoolwork and you asked them to bring it to you?"